Shut Your Pie Hole and Go Home

Gay Tourists not Market Niche, Report Suggests First of all, I didn't even know that there was a Gay Tourism Association.  Does Canada need one of those?  I think there are already plenty of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people in our fair nation (105 out of about 2200 surveyed - 4.77% for the math geeks out there - I didn't realize there were THAT many, either). Second of all, do we really need to hype up our national treasures to make them more appealing to gay people?  Frankly, I'd rather have fewer people of the GLBT group out and about in the hot vacation spots.  What are good Christian parents supposed to tell their kids when they see two men snuggling on a bench at Niagra, or two women groping each other in Banff National Park?  Apparently nothing is sacred anymore. While I'm not going to tell gays and lesbians that they are wrong, I believe that freedom of speech allows me to say that I do not appreciate public displays of affection between same-s

http://www.cbc.ca/money/story/2009/12/29/cibc-banker-age-discrimination.html You bet, there's discrimination. As a former manager with one of Canada's big banks, I can attest to the fact that theses companies do indeed base their "redundancy" decisions on age and seniority. Why keep a long-term, middle-aged employee earning an $80K salary when they can pay $40K to someone fresh out of university. It's all about the bottom line. I can cite dozens of redundancy situations where excellent employees were terminated from their jobs simply because they were over 45 years of age and too high on the pay scale. During my tenure with the bank, I had the unpleasant task of down-sizing entire departments on several occasions.  I was given this verbal directive:  take a look at your staff and cut the ones with the highest salaries and the ones within five years of retirement.  Of course, this was never in writing and I was told not to refer to these measures in an e

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/british-columbia/story/2009/12/18/bc-herpes-disability-claim-rejected.html Since when is an STD an accident?  Not that people mean to get them, but when over 50% of sexually active Americans (and assumably Canadians) have an STD, chances are pretty good that if you can't keep it in your pants, you're going to wish you had. Now, while I feel bad that Mr. Gibbens is now paralyzed from the midsection down, I can't really feel bad at how it came about.  If it had been a car accident where he'd been hit by a drunk driver, or been tripped and fallen down a flight of stairs, feeling of sorrow may stir within me, but the guy was sleeping around without protection.  Not that I'm saying he got what he deserved, but let's face it, it was no accident. I'm a fan of the Supreme Court's comment: "Such a conclusion would stretch the boundaries of an accident policy beyond the snapping point and convert it into a comprehensive insura

CBC News - Money - Carney: Don't be seduced by low interest rates So six months ago, the government was telling us things like: "We're on the road to recovery." "Consumer confidence is the key to the turnaround." "It's time for business as usual." Basically, the message was to go out there and spend money. Now, backtracking faster than a hunter who came across a grizzly, the government is telling us to stop and think a little bit. (What??? They want us to think for ourselves? So much for the single-brained society I thought they were trying to acheive.) Why is anyone surprised that debt has gone up during this economic downturn? Where do they think people who had been laid off were going to get money from? Not the friendly Canadian government, to be sure. Oh, wait, let's go to our neighbourhood bank, who is more than willing to lend us whatever we need to get back on our feet. Has anyone else noticed the rising price of bi

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,580405,00.html I'm impressed.  Go France!  Here is a country who knows who they are and what they are and they want to keep it that way!  Now, I'm not saying that I agree with everything that France is trying to do here, but I like the principle.  What would happen if we asked Canadians what it means to be Canadian?  (And by this I mean real Canadians - at least those whose parents were born in our fair nation.)  Would the Canadian idenity have to do with The Hudson's Bay Company?  Indiginous people groups? Metis?  French Canada?  Farming, fishing or forestry?  Christianity?  Or would it roll into Punjab and Hindi?  Muslim and Sikh?  While I don't believe in other faiths but Christianity, I'm not going to tell people they're wrong or that they can't worship which ever god they chose - it is a part of our rights and freedoms as Canadians.  However, when the world looks at our country, do they see Canadians or do they see

http://www.windmobile.ca/WIND-news/detail/globalive-welcomes-govt-canada-decision-and-prepares-bring-wind-mobile-market/ I read an article several days ago in regards to the new Wind network that is making its way to Canada. The network and company were approved by the Canadian government and then denied after spending 442 million dollars on air rights by the CRTC. I was extremely happy to read today that the government has overturned the decision by the CRTC and the Wind network can now start providing service for the Canadian people! I, unfortunately, still have 2 years left on a contract signed with Bell Mobility, and I have not been impressed at all with their customer service. I have discovered a lot of blame placing and they have taken no responsibility for their own warranty and employees. I hope that the Wind network can create some good healthy competition in our wireless realm, so we can start paying reasonable rates for a good plan (like our neighbours to the South have

Socks Warm Your Heart How amazing is it that our kids are getting invovled in helping the less fortunate?  I know socks may not seem like much to some people, but for me, one with perpetually cold feet, a warm pair of socks are often very much appreciated.  While I would normally have something to say about the homeless situation, I want to focus on this precious little girl (and, well, a really, really ignorant comment).  I say way to go Sarah Lewis and keep up the good work!  I hope no one ever does anything to discourage her.  If she has already accomplished as much as she has at her age, imagine what she'll be able to do 10, 20 years down the road! Here comes my beef (comments on the above linked article):     Neil Gregory wrote: "venividivici wrote, "If a young girl of 7 yrs old..can do miracles for the homeless, why doesn't the government -- be it federal, provincial, municipal....can not come close to it? " Could it be that our governments spent

Heating Oil Poured into Wrong House Ready... Set... Go! (Steps on to soapbox, clears throat, begins...) There are so many things I could say here, I scarcely know where to start, but you must know by now that all of us here at SYPH and GH have little trouble expressing ourselves (we live on a soapbox, remember). First that this even made the FRONT PAGE of CBC.com is astounding.  Appparently we're hard up for news this week. Moving right along... dude in a truck drives up to a house, presumably he checks to make sure he's got the right one (let's give him the benefit of the doubt, shall we?), and proceeds to pump oil into a fill pipe.  Now, I've never lived in a house that uses heating oil, so I don't know all the specifics of this, but these are supposed to be professionals delivering this stuff, are they not?  I assume that this is a potentially highly dangerous and flammable subtance that they are delivering, not to mention, expensive, especially in this

http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2009/12/10/h1n1-pandemics-study.html Ya think? I said, right from the beginning, that this whole H1N1 thing was blown way out of proportion.  The media caused a frenzy all over the world, predicting a pandemic unlike any ever known before.  What they will do to sell a story.  And look at how many people fell for it. I'm not disputing the fact that H1N1 should be taken seriously and treated with care . . . just like any other communicable disease.  But let's put things in perspective here.  The annual deaths resulting from your ordinary run-of-the-mill flu far outnumber those from swine flu.  Far.  Really far.  I won't bore you with the statistics, but do your homework and you'll see I'm right. Now that the "crisis" has passed without too much hoopla, the media is spinning their story in the other direction.  They're leaking information such as the article referenced above - an article that wouldn't have seen t

Virginia Veteran Gets Extra Week Before He Must Remove Flag or Face Consequences Now, I'm not American, nor do I wish to be.  I am proudly Canadian.  But this story stuck out like a sore thumb.  I personally know American war veterans and am proud to call them friends and family. These men and women have worked and fought valliantly when other could not or would not.  Personally, I think they have earned the right to fly their flag whenever and where ever they please.  How ignorant and petty of the housing association to tell someone that they cannot wave Old Glory in their yard.  "This is not about the American flag. This is about a flagpole," Oh come on!  Just shut your pie hole and go home!  Let the man fly his flag - it'll save you from looking like a complete donkey on the world stage. Can't fly the national flag - BAH! - if only more Canadians would take as much pride in our standard!  Long live the maple leaf!

Now, I admit that we ministers here at SYPH and GH tend to have a lot of negative things to say - granted we are conservative soap-boxers - but there are times when an encouraging word is most welcome.  What I just had the pleasure of experiencing was amazingly simple at most. A gentleman just walked out of my office.  He is not Canadian by birth, nor is he of Christian faith.  I'm okay with that.  We, here in Canada, have been granted the freedom of religion and the freedom to practice our chosen faith.  This man is a successful business man and owns a successful company.  He is well-groomed and well-dressed, well-spoken with an Indian accent.  I'm okay with that. This being the Christmas season, our mailboxes are being filled with requests for non-perishable food items, money, toys, etc. from an assortment of profitable and non-profitable organisations.  Many include small gifts in hope of inspiring us to also give.  A lot of these flyers end up in recylcing or the garbag

Yesterday after work, I paid a visit to our local mall.  I had a few things to pick up and planned to be in and out as quickly as possible.  Easy enough.  I failed, however, to factor in the rudeness and complete lack of respect demonstrated by more people that I care to say. I was bumped, pushed, and cut off - in a shopping environment that was not all that busy at the time I was there.  There was not even a slight attempt made at being polite or considerate.  I should add here that the majority of these rude people were either of a different nationality or under the age of 25. A question was posed.  "Didn't their mothers teach these people any manners?"  I replied, "Obviously not."  And perhaps their mothers didn't have manners either. I am so thankful that my parents taught me manners.  My teachers taught me manners, too, but I don't think they do that in schools anymore. What happened to simple respect?  It would seem obvious to me that when

I'm tired. I'm tired of politics. I'm tired of hearing every language but english. I'm tired of inconsistency. I'm tired of being told that children can't pray in school. I'm tired of hearing about abuse, neglect, and discrimination. Please, please, please - if you want to  move to Canada, read the values that our constitution states. Believe in them. Agree to them. Follow the guidelines set in place. If you don't want to do those things, please don't come. Stay home. Please. We Canadians are tired.

I tried to apply for a job once.  I was told that since I didn't speak Mandarin, Cantonese, Korean, Punjabi, or a Filipino dialect, I need not apply.  I wasn't going to be an "asset to the team."  This job was in Canada.  I am a fifth generation Canadian, and I can't apply for jobs in my own country because I speak our official languages.  I've seen a massive increase in signs around my city that are written in a language I don't understand.  I've been treated poorly in retail stores that were not meant for English speaking Caucasians to shop at. I'm all for equality and diversity and fairness.  I really am.  I have no trouble with people coming to our country to have a better life.  But why, why, why can these same people not take the time to learn the language and customs of their new country.  I wouldn't dream of trying to move to China/India/France/Russia/Germany, etc without being able to passably speak their language.  I wouldn't be

CBC News - Consumer Life - Calgary family negotiates homework ban Interesting article. I have half a mind to agree with the parents in this article. Homework has become just a thing to do, and it does seem sometimes like the teachers are giving it just because. However, I think that class time should be used to teach. My tax dollars aren't being well spent if my child is just in a classroom working by themselves. I expect that my child is being taught, talked to, nurtured. I think that some of their actual schoolwork should be sent home. And parents should be letting them do it. Helping is one thing, doing it for them is another. I've seen far too many educated kids go out into the real world having no idea how to self-motivate. They are waiting for someone to tell them exactly what to do, and how to do it. I think that homework is an integral part of building this ability in kids. So parents - make your kids do their homework. Help them if they need it, but they

I just read an article on CBC.com that opens: "Candidates running for office in northern Saskatchewan's municipalities might soon have to reveal their criminal records to the public under a bill introduced by the government on Monday."  See http://www.cbc.ca/canada/saskatchewan/story/2009/11/16/sask-crim-records.html. Ya think? I am actually speechless, which is not a common occurrence. There was a day - I think - when Canadians looked to their government as an example of fairness, integrity, and a sense of do-the-right-thing-for-our-country.  Granted, there always have been those politicians who are in it for the power, and perhaps looking for an avenue for some shady business dealings, but for the most part these are supposed to be men and women we look up to.  People we trust. But we have to draw the line somewhere. I must admit that I got more than a little bothered when this article went on to say that a candidate with a criminal record would not be disqual

I know that we've been going on and on about H1N1 and the Olympics, but since that's pretty much all that's in the news these days, there has been little choice.  (Help us out Canada and complain about something new so we can tell you what we really think about it.)  I was mighty pleased, though, when I read the following: "I despise Campbell, but the money's been spent and the debt's incurred. The only way we cut the debt is with a successful Olympics. They're not going to go away. Wishing for failure is the stupidest, blindest, partisan politics imagineable. Failure will just cost the province more." That's fine if you don't want the Olympics, but at least this person has accepted the inevitable with dignity.  However, I do wonder where the fuel for this comment came from as it was discovered under an article about the storms presently battering southern British Columbia...  (thinking... thinking...)  Perhaps some intelligence has be

CBC News - Canada - Canadians think H1N1 risks exaggerated: poll Although the media has made this H1N1 thing out to be the plague, apparently most Canadians agree with me that it's not as bad as they're making it out to be. I read an article on www.foxnews.com this morning as well that said there have been 22,000,000 cases of H1N1 in the USA alone since April. And how many deaths? Not so many. I don't know about you, but I am pretty sick of the media blowing things out of proportion. Is the virus dangerous? Yes, I won't argue that point. Is it going to be the end of mankind? I don't think so, but many media outlets are giving that impression. I wish that the media would start reporting more good news for a change, instead of making bad news into worse news. In recent weeks, the old question of "how are you today?" has been replaced with "are you getting the shot?" It makes me want to scream! No one asked me last year if I was gettin

Hats off to Justina - a member of the security team at the Calgary International Airport.  I had the privilege of meeting her this week, and I must say that she made pretty darn sure she followed every single rule in the book, and then some, when it was my turn to pass through her little kingdom. Too bad other security officers don't do the same. Justina confiscated my half-used tube of expensive hand cream, and my nearly empty jar of Vicks Vapo Rub.  When I indicated my ticked-offedness, she proceeded to search my carry-on bag and my purse as if she were looking for gold.  She was rude, unprofessional, refused to answer my questions, and I think she was disappointed that she did not find anything in my bags other than the usual female stuff. I felt totally violated. Now don't misunderstand.  I am not in disagreement with Transport Canada's rules and regulations when it comes to what can or cannot be taken on board an aircraft.  But, I have traveled through airports a

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/british-columbia/story/2009/11/10/bc-long-range-accoustic-device-vancouver-police.html Here we go again, yet ANOTHER Olympic related article.  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, but Canada, you never cease to amaze me. The Vancouver police have  new little toy.  One that can be used as a non-lethal weapon if need be.  Who cares?  They pack guns on a daily basis.  Now THOSE are lethal.  It's not like they're all going to be carrying around this 40 kilogram piece of equipment all the time.  And really, should a crowd merrit the use of this thing, people, you deserve what you get.  Or perhaps you'd rather have a canister of tear gas tossed into a mass of angry citizens? Or wait, I thought of another option - Shut Your Pie Hole and Go Home! Problem solved, the police will not need to use their shiny new toy (even though I think I would find it amusing to watch the all idiot, self-serving protesters squirm for a while).

http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20091105/torch_ceremonies_091105/20091105?hub=TopStoriesV2 Yet another story of people who have a problem with something Olympic related. I want to scream at you! First people are protesting at every leg of the torch's run, now people are complaining that the torch run organizers are trying to avoid the protestors! Wow, Liberals, Bloq, NDP. I am so proud that you are associated with this fine, free country of ours. The Olympics are supposed to be a time when the world can come together peacefully, a time of good sportsmanship. And here we are, fighting with each other over which constituencies the torch should pass through. If I'd been planning this whole event, I would have purposely put the entire torch run far away from known protestors. I can just see the rest of the world watching the torch run on their local news, the joy of the Olympics being diminished by placards and screams from protestors. How ashamed our

http://www.ctvbc.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20091103/bc_torch_protest_apology_091103/20091103?hub=BritishColumbia" I read this on ctv.ca this morning, and I'm appalled. A young man was honoured with a dream come true, and protesters ruined his moment. What is wrong with you people! The Olympics are coming, and there's nothing you can do at this point. This example crossed the line of peaceful protest. How do you sleep at night knowing that a 17 year-old kid with cerebral palsy was forced to walk away from his dream (bless the people who were able to give him another chance) because you had to completely block his way. Good for you. I hope you're happy. And I hope you find it in yourselves to apologize to this young man. You crossed the line. So apologize, then SYPH and GO HOME!

An interesting article was brought across my path this week as the Minister of Foreign Relations and Banishment. http://www.cbc.ca/canada/nova-scotia/story/2009/11/03/ns-refugee-transportation.html?ref=rss#socialcommentsI am This article discusses transportation loans given to refugee's, and a whole group of people that are trying to stop the process! In the article, it states that 90% of refugees manage to repay the loan, and the government is quite lenient if you inform them that you are having difficulties paying it back. I'm sorry, but the mere fact that Canada allows you INTO the country should be a blessing! There are numerous countries in the world that wouldn't even consider allowing you to be a refugee in their nation, let alone give you a loan to get started! I am all for allowing refugees into the country, and loaning them the money to get here! But I am a firm believer in taking responsibility for your own life. I would see more use in starting more progra

CBC News - British Columbia - Explosive residue on migrants' clothing I read this story, and find it stinking like political correctness. Wow. They found explosive residue. The ship's identity was deliberately concealed. One of the passengers has an outstanding arrest warrant for known ties to a terrorist group. Hmm....what are the odds that they "come in peace"? Really? Let the general Canadian population come to whatever Vancouver building they're being held at and decide. I'm pretty sure that it could be determined quite easily. As Minister of Foreign Affairs and Banishment, I say if you came here illegally and have questionable associates - GO HOME! There is no room for you here! We're looking for honest, hard-working people who do their homework and enter this country through the proper channels. (I think that says alot for someone's intentions, don't you??) The article didn't mention, but I would bet that there's a lang

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2009/11/03/benefits-self-employed003.html Minister of Adhesive Affairs here. SInce we didn't account for someone actually getting something right, we have no ministry under whose jurisdiction this news would fall. So I've taken the liberty of claiming this one. Knowing many self-employed Canadians myself, I can barely contain my joy at this new proposition.  (See me dancing?)  I have known some who have been hired as "sub-contractors".  Which is a nice way of saying "You can work for my company, but I don't want to have to pay into EI for you.  Welcome aboard."  When said employer is done with their "sub-contractor" they lay them off and these people are then left without benefits - not that they got any with the company anyway - but they don't even have the luxury of taking the time to reorganise themselves before seeking new employment. For those of you who think Stephen Harper is off his rocker, try

As the Minister of Media & Public Relations for SYPH and GH, I must address the H1N1 issue. On my way to work this morning, I was listening to a local news radio station. Every other story related to H1N1 - how the Harper government has apparently botched the vaccination process, how businesses will suffer because of the high numbers of employees staying home sick, how pandemic preparedness is different from pandemic readiness. It was depressing. I was about to turn off the radio when one listener called in to make this statement: "While the H1N1 vaccinations need to be administered to those at greatest risk, the media needs to shut up and stop creating panic amongst the masses". I couldn't agree more. While I am not disputing the reality of a serious disease, I am more than a little bothered by the way the media has blown this H1N1 thing WAY out of proportion. President Obama has declared a state of emergency in the United States because 1,000 people died o

I'd like to first of all commend my fellow Ministers in their most recent posts (insert applause here). I love my country. Yet I am married to an American. Who loves his country. We are raising a child to love BOTH of his countries. I have received some criticism from my husband's family - that I couldn't possibly be as patriotic as them - they're Americans! Why is it that people from other countries do not see Canadians as patriotic? I absolutely LOVE my country! I love what Canada stands for, the values our great country was built upon, and yes, I even love the multiculturalism. Where else can my son learn 5 languages in a 10 block radius of his home? But ultimately, I love what Canada is. I speak english AND french. I like our coloured money. In fact, I like how we spell "coloured". I think Canadians are well educated in world trivia, geography, and history. I think we speak eloquently and have superior schools, hospitals, and farmers! If I were from a

Isn't it great that we live in a country that believes in freedom of speech, freedom of the press, and freedom of religion? Oh, wait. Freedom of religion? I think not. My observation has been that this applies to all religions except Christianity. During a recent layover in a Canadian airport, I watched a group of ten or twelve people who appeared to have originated in or around India. At the prescribed time, the leader motioned to the group, and each one unrolled a prayer mat and they proceeded to audibly practice their morning prayer ritual. There were a number of curious onlookers, but no one protested, and no airport official interfered. They completed their prayers in half an hour. Now let's consider another scenario. A group of ten or twelve Christians, waiting in a Canadian airport, take the opportunity to pray - out loud - for 30 minutes or so. Onlookers stop to watch, and snide comments are heard from the crowd. An airport official marches up to the group and i

I read this article on CTV news this morning: http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20091102/canada_peaceful_091102/20091102?hub=Canada Apparently, We're the eighth most peaceful nation in the world. Really? I think we're building a reputation as sore losers, whiners, and a people who will protest pretty much anything just because we can. As the Minister of Correction and Dismemberment, I think it's time for us "too nice" Canadians to start standing up for ourselves. We're not "nice", we're sissies! (Well, except for maybe on the rink) Do you ever look at the pictures of protestors and think to yourself that the very same people who are protesting the Olympic torch look an awful lot like the ones who protested Charles and Camilla's visit? That's because they are! It's always the same people who aren't grateful for anything in this country. Let's protest our horrific health care! (Which is among the best

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2009/11/01/canada-tour-charles-camilla.html Haha! A story that applies pretty much directly to yours truly, the Minister of Adhesive Affairs. This is the part of the story where I come out and tell people to Shut Your Pie Hole! If you watch the Canadian news at all you will know that Prince Charles and Camilla are taking a brief tour of our fair nation. What is the issue with this? Frankly, I have no idea, but plenty enough people have found issue with it and can't seem to keep their big mouths shut... er... fingers still. I am appalled at the number of Canadians who take no pride at all in the heritage of their country. Whether you like Charles or not, he is next in line to the throne and intelligent comments like "Sorry Charles you will never be my King. :P" are what really make the world believe those rumours that Canadians are nice, smart people (did you catch the dripping sarcasm there, did you?) Sorry Swoopnhuck (handle of the p

Hello and welcome to SYPH and GH from your friendly Minister of Foreign Relations and Banishment. Or my informal title may be the Minister of Go Home. Ever wonder when Canadians became "Indo-Canadians", "Chinese-Canadians", "Korean-Canadians", and "African-Canadians"? What happened to "Canadians"? As a pure "Canadian-Canadian", where do I fall into this spectrum? When did becoming a Canadian entail gaining citizenship and rights without any responsibilities? I can maintain my language, religion, culture, and beliefs and still gain all rights and privileges of being a Canadian citizen. I'm all for freedom of religion and freedom of speech - I mean come on, read the blog! But I believe in the SAME freedom for all. If I want to pray to God in the middle of a public park, I want to do that. If I want my children to bring their Bibles to school, I want them to be able to. As far as I know, Canada has two national languages. Fr

I represent the Ministry of Religious Affairs for SYPH and GH. I am proud to be a Canadian, born and bred in a country that was founded on Christian values and godly principles. Something has happened to those values and principles in the 142 years since Confederation, however. Instead of embracing our Bible-based heritage, Canadians have come to view Christianity as old-fashioned and irrelevant. Prayer has been removed from schools. Christian literature has been banned. As a matter of fact, any reference to God or to Jesus Christ outside Christian organizations (except as profanities, of course) is considered out of line. Yet immigrants from around the world bring their religions to Canada and they are encouraged to practice the customs of their "faith" as they please. An RCMP officer can now wear a turban if it is a requirement of his religion. Oh give me a break! This makes a mockery of one of our country's oldest traditions and most recognizable uniforms in

CTV Olympics - Olympic protesters disrupt torch relay#olympic+protesters+disrupt+torch+relay#olympic+protesters+disrupt+torch+relay#olympic+protesters+disrupt+torch+relay#olympic+protesters+disrupt+torch+relay Hello Canada! This is the Minister of Corrections and Dismemberment. I know this doesn't fall under my jurisdiction, or maybe it does. What is with the Olympic protests? I don't get this. Are we not proud to be hosting the world at this time-honoured tradition of sport? Are we not proud to be showcasing how great of a country we live in? Oh, wait....we're too busy screaming about the money being spent, and protesting just to protest to realize that we're making our great nation look like an idiot on the world stage. Way to go! Haven't we given a thought to all the money that will be arriving in droves over the course of the Games? To the lasting legacy that the Games will leave? To our country becoming a tourist destination to people around the glob

Allow me to introduce myself as the Minster of Adhesive Affairs. Adhesive you may say? Yes, adhesive! I, like many Canadians have an affinity toward such products. Not adhesives in general, mind you, but one in particular. Duct Tape. Yes, my friends, I supposed that you could say that I am the Minister of Duct Tape (Adhesive Affairs sounds a little more important, though, don't you think?). Why do we need a Ministry of Adhesive Affairs? Why wouldn't we need a Ministry of Adhesive Affairs. Though I consider myself no more important than my co-ministers, many of their affairs will trickle through my jurisdiction. And since I am sure you are just itching to find out why, I will tell you! My Ministry has one basic purpose, to enforce our motto of "Shut Your Pie Hole" (SYPH). If any offenders have any trouble with this, I step in. Can you see where this is going? Too many uneducated, loud-mouthed liberals can't seem to find within themselves the capability

Allow me to introduce myself - the Minister of Corrections and Dismemberment. A little harsh, you say? I think not. Our current system of incarceration is hardly a punishment. Three meals a day, warm bed, a free college education - all at my (a Canadian taxpayer) expense. Am I thrilled that my hard-earned dollars are being used to comfortably house criminals? Hardly. Does a warm bed, nourishing meals, and an opportunity to get an education sound like a great way to reform a criminal so that they won't become a repeat offender? I don't think so. I think some people would be more than happy to "upgrade" their way of life by becoming criminals. My solution? Offer a more efficient way of rehabilitating them. Build a road with a pick axe through the Rocky Mountains. Go work a quarter section of land in Saskatchewan. Go dig for diamonds in Nunavut. (again with a pick axe) Or for repeat sex offenders, castration. (Again, too harsh? Wouldn't you think tw