Shut Your Pie Hole and Go Home

CBC News - Money - Carney: Don't be seduced by low interest rates So six months ago, the government was telling us things like: "We're on the road to recovery." "Consumer confidence is the key to the turnaround." "It's time for business as usual." Basically, the message was to go out there and spend money. Now, backtracking faster than a hunter who came across a grizzly, the government is telling us to stop and think a little bit. (What??? They want us to think for ourselves? So much for the single-brained society I thought they were trying to acheive.) Why is anyone surprised that debt has gone up during this economic downturn? Where do they think people who had been laid off were going to get money from? Not the friendly Canadian government, to be sure. Oh, wait, let's go to our neighbourhood bank, who is more than willing to lend us whatever we need to get back on our feet. Has anyone else noticed the rising price of bi...

http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20091105/torch_ceremonies_091105/20091105?hub=TopStoriesV2 Yet another story of people who have a problem with something Olympic related. I want to scream at you! First people are protesting at every leg of the torch's run, now people are complaining that the torch run organizers are trying to avoid the protestors! Wow, Liberals, Bloq, NDP. I am so proud that you are associated with this fine, free country of ours. The Olympics are supposed to be a time when the world can come together peacefully, a time of good sportsmanship. And here we are, fighting with each other over which constituencies the torch should pass through. If I'd been planning this whole event, I would have purposely put the entire torch run far away from known protestors. I can just see the rest of the world watching the torch run on their local news, the joy of the Olympics being diminished by placards and screams from protestors. How ashamed our...

CBC News - British Columbia - Explosive residue on migrants' clothing I read this story, and find it stinking like political correctness. Wow. They found explosive residue. The ship's identity was deliberately concealed. One of the passengers has an outstanding arrest warrant for known ties to a terrorist group. Hmm....what are the odds that they "come in peace"? Really? Let the general Canadian population come to whatever Vancouver building they're being held at and decide. I'm pretty sure that it could be determined quite easily. As Minister of Foreign Affairs and Banishment, I say if you came here illegally and have questionable associates - GO HOME! There is no room for you here! We're looking for honest, hard-working people who do their homework and enter this country through the proper channels. (I think that says alot for someone's intentions, don't you??) The article didn't mention, but I would bet that there's a lang...

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2009/11/03/benefits-self-employed003.html Minister of Adhesive Affairs here. SInce we didn't account for someone actually getting something right, we have no ministry under whose jurisdiction this news would fall. So I've taken the liberty of claiming this one. Knowing many self-employed Canadians myself, I can barely contain my joy at this new proposition.  (See me dancing?)  I have known some who have been hired as "sub-contractors".  Which is a nice way of saying "You can work for my company, but I don't want to have to pay into EI for you.  Welcome aboard."  When said employer is done with their "sub-contractor" they lay them off and these people are then left without benefits - not that they got any with the company anyway - but they don't even have the luxury of taking the time to reorganise themselves before seeking new employment. For those of you who think Stephen Harper is off his rocker, try...

I read this article on CTV news this morning: http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20091102/canada_peaceful_091102/20091102?hub=Canada Apparently, We're the eighth most peaceful nation in the world. Really? I think we're building a reputation as sore losers, whiners, and a people who will protest pretty much anything just because we can. As the Minister of Correction and Dismemberment, I think it's time for us "too nice" Canadians to start standing up for ourselves. We're not "nice", we're sissies! (Well, except for maybe on the rink) Do you ever look at the pictures of protestors and think to yourself that the very same people who are protesting the Olympic torch look an awful lot like the ones who protested Charles and Camilla's visit? That's because they are! It's always the same people who aren't grateful for anything in this country. Let's protest our horrific health care! (Which is among the best ...

Allow me to introduce myself as the Minster of Adhesive Affairs. Adhesive you may say? Yes, adhesive! I, like many Canadians have an affinity toward such products. Not adhesives in general, mind you, but one in particular. Duct Tape. Yes, my friends, I supposed that you could say that I am the Minister of Duct Tape (Adhesive Affairs sounds a little more important, though, don't you think?). Why do we need a Ministry of Adhesive Affairs? Why wouldn't we need a Ministry of Adhesive Affairs. Though I consider myself no more important than my co-ministers, many of their affairs will trickle through my jurisdiction. And since I am sure you are just itching to find out why, I will tell you! My Ministry has one basic purpose, to enforce our motto of "Shut Your Pie Hole" (SYPH). If any offenders have any trouble with this, I step in. Can you see where this is going? Too many uneducated, loud-mouthed liberals can't seem to find within themselves the capability ...

Allow me to introduce myself - the Minister of Corrections and Dismemberment. A little harsh, you say? I think not. Our current system of incarceration is hardly a punishment. Three meals a day, warm bed, a free college education - all at my (a Canadian taxpayer) expense. Am I thrilled that my hard-earned dollars are being used to comfortably house criminals? Hardly. Does a warm bed, nourishing meals, and an opportunity to get an education sound like a great way to reform a criminal so that they won't become a repeat offender? I don't think so. I think some people would be more than happy to "upgrade" their way of life by becoming criminals. My solution? Offer a more efficient way of rehabilitating them. Build a road with a pick axe through the Rocky Mountains. Go work a quarter section of land in Saskatchewan. Go dig for diamonds in Nunavut. (again with a pick axe) Or for repeat sex offenders, castration. (Again, too harsh? Wouldn't you think tw...